Dear The Onion, I don’t have a Facebook account, but I just wanted you to know that I enjoy your publication. Please add one to whatever number of likes you currently have online. Carly Durland, Binghamton, NY 47 U. MAJORIS STAR SYSTEM—Roughly 18 months after discovering the collection of common Earth sounds contained on the golden record placed aboard the Voyager probe NASA launched in 1977, extraterrestrial Richard Ellinger, 237, admitted Friday ... MINNEAPOLIS—According to customers, a fiberglass sculpture of a fat mustachioed Italian stereotype recently placed in front of Gunther's Pizza has provided irrefutable proof of the restaurant's high standard of excellence. Fans of Amanda M. Burden, the planning commissioner, call her a visionary who will leave behind a much-improved city. But critics say the sum total of her ambitions will be a gentrified city and no longer a place for working-class New Yorkers. Jubilant Rangers Throw Skates Into Stands An earthquake struck the northern Italian region of Emilia Romagna on Sunday, killing five people, wounding dozens and damaging historic buildings as well as warehouses and factories. JOPLIN, MO—If Trevor Mahoney had reserved the U-Haul like he said he would, we wouldn't even be having this conversation in the first place, dick. The transportation secretary flips out on a pothole in Baltimore, a man wearing red glasses and pink pants is probably Dutch or something, and an Ohio Film Festival graphic designer decides to go with film reels for the O's. It's the week of May 14th, 2012. Apple today announced it has sold three million new iPad devices since its launch on Friday, March 16. “The new iPad is a blockbuster with three million sold ― the strongest iPad launch yet,” said Philip Schiller, Apple’s senior vice president of Worldwide Marketing. New York Times writer Brian X. Chen reports that Amtrak is replacing its old manual ticketing system with iPhone, noting that the company is among the “growing number of businesses” to use iOS devices to improve operations. Chen reports that the system will allow conductors to keep track of passengers in real time and also provide updates to railway staff, such as if a disabled person is getting on at a particular stop or if equipment fails. Amtrak’s Matt Hardison says, “We’ve made a number of important improvements for both our customers and Amtrak, all in one fell swoop.” While Mitt Romney has said little about his Mormon faith on the campaign trail, people who know him well call it a huge influence on his conduct and worldview. That One Kid In High School Who Had A Hearing Aid: We Check And See How Bad His Hearing Is Now SEATTLE—A string of independent bakeries in the Seattle area apparently provided enough material to warrant a 73-minute documentary titled Rise: The Resurgence Of The Artisanal Bakery, 27-year-old Netflix browser Cyrus Wall observed Sunday. Pushy Hermit Crab Girlfriend Wants To Move In USA Today reviewer Edward C. Baig describes his experience using the first Multi-Touch digital textbooks published for the iBooks 2 for iPad app, noting that they are “engaging in ways that were simply not possible with the textbooks I grew up with.” Baig likes the portability, updatability, and low pricing of iBooks 2 digital textbooks and touts specific features like instant search, highlighting, bookmarking, and interactive graphics. Writes Baig, “It’s better to see an animated tour of the genome in E.O. Wilson’s Life on Earth than just to read about it. ” When President Obama joins other NATO leaders Sunday and Monday, the full extent of how his Afghan strategy has changed — from “war of necessity” to withdrawal on his terms — will be apparent. Man Wearing Red Glasses, Pink Pants Probably Dutch Or Something Never-Used Bike Still In Pretty Good Shape Local Man Shot With Girly Pistol Check out the news from the launch and be among the first to download Internet Explorer 9. The new iPad — the third generation of the category-defining mobile device — arrived at Apple’s Retail Stores and the Apple Online Store on Friday, March 16 at 8:00 a.m. local time in the US, Australia, Canada, France, Germany, Hong Kong, Japan, Singapore, Switzerland, and the UK; along with Puerto Rico and the US Virgin Islands. Beginning at a suggested retail price of $499 (US), the new iPad features a stunning Retina display, Apple’s A5X chip with quad-core graphics, and a 5-megapixel iSight camera with advanced optics for capturing amazing photos and 1080p HD video. And iPad 2 is now available at a more affordable price, starting at just $399.